Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
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It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
white boys be texting like… ????
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”
Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.