@Mr_Kapowski

[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

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@AndrewNadeau0

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@WritePlay

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

@willhallcomedy

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.