[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?