[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.