[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy