Grandmother clock.
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
