Grandmother clock.
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
