Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

I think about this a lot

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

lmao

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian