Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any