Grandpa
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media