“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.