@Jarhead44

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

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@ArfMeasures

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

@athleisure_monk

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

@Donna_McCoy

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

@kwirkyKerri

Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.

@Lhlodder

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*