“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?


[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.


Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?


Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.


Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”


Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit


If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.


*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*