Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.