Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal