Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
🙅🏻
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
