Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

nobody’s gonna understand

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

early stone age tool

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate