Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I have never related to a cat more
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
never deleting this app.