Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy moly

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

yeah no that’s fair

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.