Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?