Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I don’t make the rules sorry

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.