Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
❤️🦆
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.