Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.