Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You Might Also Like
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit