Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Spider-cat: No One Home
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work