Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?