Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You Might Also Like
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My daily affirmation
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
how to market bottled water to dads
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble