Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Customize Your Wedding.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
accurate
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet