Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
shakira sharkira
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
my name if I was in the mob
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold