Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.