grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
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My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me, too, girl. me, too.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks