grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”