Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Meow

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.