Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets