grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Geez man, take it easy.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?