grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me