Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Mhm.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…