Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Pigeon open mic night.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything