*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.