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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe