Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

no exceptions

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

moms in horror movies

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?