Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces