Grandpa
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Breaking news:
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Kermit goes Blue.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.