Grandpa
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Sing it!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
how DARE
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog