grandparents are too precious for this world
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Still a very good boi….
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
every single time
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.