grandparents are too precious for this world
You Might Also Like
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.