Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.