grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
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Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.