Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

That’s fair

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.