Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Fun Things

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*