Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
You Might Also Like
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….