GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash