Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

watergate? u mean a dam??

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer