Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.