Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.