Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

i would wish you the best but i am the best

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction