Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me