Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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A Monday every week is excessive
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Science memes
cat vs inanimate object
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or