Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.