Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes