Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Muppet Screams
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.