Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*