Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.