Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??