Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
i prefer mine room temperature.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Ken is short for chicken
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”