Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs