Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
i choose….tongue
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.