Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
my first day as a raccoon
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?