Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
You Might Also Like
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
😾
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
good for her
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
peep davidson
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat