Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Last-minute gift idea!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.