Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
getting groceries
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.