Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Growing out my freckles.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend