Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

#Caturday

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

not for long

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.